I Don't Owe You Anything!

Bloggers, readers, ladies, how are you? I'm just letting you know that I'm still very much in the shit and I'm trying to work my way through it. Slowly, oh who am I kidding, at first I thought I was gonna drown in it and get caught in the undertow, sadly maynard wasn't going to be there singing along. (Sorry if some of you don't get the reference)

I'm not gonna sit here and wallow in self pity, cause hell that's not the kind of girl I am. I mean yeah I wasted time doing that, and then I get myself out of it. Cause fuck it sucks. So after listening to some emo music, yes emo, god did I just really say that? Ugh. So yeah after some emo music, some depressing music, the natural progression of things leads to Trent. Oh it always leads to trent, I'm sad, i'm depressed, I'm listening to Trent sing about how he hurt himself upon his liar's chair. (this is trent's song, yes Johnny Cash did a cover of it) Then it goes to Maynard and his 3 libras and then it goes to Maynard's other band, and damn its gone to anger. Straight up I will elbow you in the face if you get in the pit with me. And then like the cycle continues, it ends up with Dave. I <3 Dave Grohl forever and ever.

Don't you be giving me no *judgy face* I am the same girl that survived all those NIN concerts, APC concerts, who had some fatty fall on me, while i struggled to get up to avoid being trampled on, the same girl that punched, kicked and elbowed in the face and still came back strong and with all her teeth. When you're at your lowest point you forget who you are, you forget who you were and what you're capable of.

I realized I had forgotten who I was. I had forgotten all the bs and crap I had to go through. I forgot that I was still a strong person inside. I don't want to go into my personal life, but I am reminded of one moment in my life that I realized I was a strong person, even if for the previous 3 I wasn't.

And it will also explain why I <3 Dave Grohl, and all his grohly goodness. And if I could I would name my first born Dave Grohl Jr. I said could not going to biatches! (yes i'm attracted to scruffy guys with long messy hair, tattoos, foul mouth, and are musically talented, cmon he's a drummer he's good with his hands!)

Cliff notes version. I was in college, I was with a guy for 3 years, that's from freshman year and on, I was in my junior year, and my life was shit, I was shit and I didn't care. I thought I couldn't do better, I couldn't be better, and that was it for me. Hell I had given this person my virginity. (later I would realize it didn't really matter who I gave it to) I really thought I was in love. I honestly did. The stupidity of youth. I didn't care about myself anymore, and I was just floating around. He was controlling, manipulative, a complete douche bag, and a fat bastard. He needed to know where I was constantly, he had to be with me, and if I had any free time, i had to go to class with him. Yes really. God what was wrong with me?

Long story short, he hit me, TWICE. The first time he did the typical bs, i'm sorry, i didn't know what came over me, I didn't mean it, It won't happen again. God I was dumb back then and I believed him. I was incredibly dumb. It happened again. Then my grandfather died. Game over. I had hit rock bottom. I couldn't fall anymore. I couldn't just float around anymore. No one was going to rescue me. No one was coming, and the one person in the world that accepted me unconditionally was gone. Game FUCKING over.

It took me a while to get over the grief, to get myself together. To finally look at myself in the mirror and finally admit that I hated what I saw. I listened to my music, and went to class, I tried to focus. But he was always there. I was trying to be me again, and he wouldn't let me. If you can't hit reset on your game, throw it out. That's just what I did. I told him to take his bitch ass and his bitch ass computer out of my dorm room. God that felt great. Course he wanted a 2nd chance. blah blah blah.

NO! He wouldn't come for his things. So I just threw everything that was his into a garbage bag and dragged it outside my room. I unplugged his computer and wires and threw it into the same black garbage bag. When he finally came around, the fat bastard sat on my bed and refused to move. Like a disgusting pig with a bad case of dandruff. He dragged his garbage bag back into my room.

He had the nerve to go on about how my suitemate had forgiven her bf for dumping her and took him back. How my own roommate had taken her bf back after they broke up. I could feel myself falter, I was believing his lies, how he was changing, how he would be better. How I was allowed to hang out with my theatre friends. OH WTF?!

But you know what kept me from being the stupid pussy ever? My CD player was on, playing random stuff, a mixed cd I had made for myself. And as this fat fucker of a pig sat on my bed, making a permanent ass grove for himself, I heard Dave singing the chorus of the song.

He was singing no screaming it, loud and louder. Till finally I said it. NO! I DON'T OWE YOU ANYTHING! I don't owe you nasty pig ass anything! I dragged that garbage bag out of my room, out of the suite, into the hallway. He freaked and realized I was serious and grabbed his computer and followed me out. I dragged that fucking bag down the stairs, i didn't care if anything broke. I dragged it to the curb of the road and he was running after his stuff. I went back to my suite, put his monitor outside my door, locked the door and told my roommate, and suitemates never to let him back in again.

I felt liberated. I felt free, I felt alive. I looked at my dorm room, and was happy, no part of him was left. It was just me. Though I would have to wash the sheets again thoroughly after he festered his fat ass on it. I never realized how happy, and how much I was worth until that moment. I fucking deserved better than that! I've always deserved better than that. And I will never go back to that ever again!

Present day, everyone is just in my shit. Everything here is just suffocating me, everyone needs to back off. Not you guys out in the blogsphere. None of you guys are going, god why don't you get a job off the job tree already. its right next to the eat anything and stay skinny tree and the rich husband tree. God how stupid of me?! I should just go to the money tree in the backyard and pay off my student loans that way, I should pick something off the job tree so I can have a job and stop being a slacker already! Cause everyone has a job but ME! I must be a loser right?!


If you readers think I am, then get the fuck off my blog right now!

Everyone has a moment in their life that they don't think they're going to overcome, that they can't overcome. You can, you just don't know it yet.

Its the little things in life that get you through. Mine was a CD playing Foo Fighters. What was yours? granted you don't have to tell me anything deeply personal about yourself. Some people say its the smallest gesture you do, like help someone completely lost on the train, or tell them they're going uptown instead of downtown, that something fell out of their purse or you telling them the time.

I am a cold bitch on the train that hates fat ppl, but I will tell you if the train is going local or express or if you're going the wrong way, or that beer garden is in astoria on the N line not the 7 line.

5 stalkers:

K /BihadaDiaries said...

Oh dear, I really needed this.
My life hit rock bottom a few days ago. I'm not as strong as you, but hopefully I will recover soon.

wuzzyangel said...

I agree with K, you're a lot stronger then I am too. You know I've been going through some shit this yr. Believe it or not, Maynard's really helped me these past couple months, just like he did YEARS ago too! And yes Grohl is the SHIT! I do love him as well!

And nobody should be bitchin about YOUR life. It's YOURS who cares if you don't have a job? You've been okay, you're not lacking for it. Hell everyone's been jobless at least once in their life, if they say nay, then they're LIARS!

Girl the ex thing... it has nothing to do with stupidity. It's all emotions. You gave it your best to try to work it out the second time. And you realized you were worth more then that, and that's what counts in the end. I'm glad you got out of a relationship like that, and have since cut out the BS peeps from your life as much as possible!

THe little things do count the most more often then not! Thanks for reminding us of that!

GirlAboutTown said...

good job babes!! they say love is blind and they are right! blindness at it's worst is when we fall into a pit and think that the person we're with is the perfect person when in reality, he's a damn fat slob. so here's to you. if i had a champagne glass, i'd toast to you b/c you're wonderwoman but with balls <3

Violet Honeybee said...

lol good for you! it took me a LONG time to get rid of an ex bf like that but thank god i did!! you're a hellava lot smarter than i was >.<

eh.. i don't have a job either right now =/ but you'll get through. you always seem to manage to get back up quickly no matter WHAT you face =)

*huggs eat some chocos that always helps =P

Tammy said...

I had no idea you dealt with something like that...we need to talk!! You are very strong! *hugs*

Psst...where's that eat anything & stay skinny tree..??

Don't let people knock you about the job thing...it's better to be jobless than in a job you are miserable at..