not sure what to title this

I'm feeling 2 extremes right now. Its weird how you an be both happy and sad both at the same time. Weird I know. My life has been anything but ordinary, sometimes there are highs and lows. and sometimes I wonder what the point of all of this is. Yes something happened that caused me to feel like this. and i really don't want to go into it right now. I realize a lot of ppl read my blog, and most of you don't know me in real life, but i know some of you do, which is why i can't go into it right now. Kinda sucks. sigh. I should start up another blog like someone I know, and just write everything out. yes i use blogging as therapy.

So to describe in a way what I'm feeling, I'm remembering back to when i was younger, more naive and less jaded, less cold, less guarded. This was early on in college. Before digital cameras were the norm, before cell phones were the norm, and before my heart was broken so many times that I just stopped picking it up.

i once had someone give me back every single picture they had of me, every single picture they had taken, some which i didn’t know they had taken, some of which i gave to him. He gave me back every single picture in an attempt to erase me from his memory. It kinda sucked, being handed back your existence in their life. As I held those photos in my hand I wondered if this was all I meant to them. This stack of lifeless photos printed on cheap drug store photo paper. If I was only this stack of photos easily erased from their memory.

I held them in my hands and watched him walk away. I looked down and went through the pictures wondering if erasing me was enough for him.

Apparently it wasn’t, he went to asia for a year. And when he came back later, and when I finally saw him, he had lost all his hair. (that was karma biatch!)

I never played the guitar because of him, I never smoked because of him, and I never wanted those photos back, but I didn’t have the heart to throw them out or burn them. so they sit in a box somewhere. I wasn't about to do to myself what he had tried to do to me. I’m not erased, but I’m not there anymore.

Sometimes I wonder if all these experiences just made me colder, and more jaded. I wonder if I had met a nice guy in the beginning I wouldn't have been so fucking cold and screwed up. I wonder why these things had to happen to me. I wonder why I can't ever fucking get a break.

Ok enough of me feeling shitty about past relationships and feeling crappy about myself. Some good news. I got the freelance gig. It went well, the guy in charge didn't talk me down from my price which is why i should have asked for more. sigh. usually they talk me down so i was prepared, but this guy just signed and said ok. His son wasn't too bright on a few things, and I was dude...u don't want to do it that looks UGLY for one and to do it that way would cause your site to take forever to load! sigh. I wore heels for the first time in a LONG time. i have blisters, my feet hurt and i totally feel the callouses forming! Yay!

afterwards I went to have a passion fruit pastry thing and a iced latte at financier. I called up my friend who works in the area to meet up. i met with some other friends ate dinner at this bbq place, no camera QQ no pics. sigh. i went home early to talk to someone who obviously didn't care.

I'm tired of trying to make relationships work. i'm tired of relationships. i'm fucking tired of trying.

3 stalkers:

xppinkx said...

Halo Prey

i am a firm believer that the men we let into our lives leaves a residue...may it be a clean one or a fecal mess.

me for one... i have been blasted with shit stains ...hence my vulgarity and my out right bitchiness...i have been told that im an asshole, a prick,a dike...if i had met a nice boy earlier on in my life...i would be writing about sticker books and having kids ...

men can go suck a dog's dick...but if you think like a can possibly grow a dick then bend that Bf of yours over and give it to him with no lube...

CONGRATS on the job...

go get a massage...

ChyiX2 said...

I agree with Pink, that the men, and not only men but people that are or even briefly touch our lives affect it.

Thing is... it's not right not wanting to care... It's natural to care about things you like here in life. If not, cut it out!

SUGABUM said...

I feel you about the crappiness of having to censor yourself because what you reallllly want to say may hurt the people who read it. It's your own damn blog for god's sake and you can't even say what's on your mind. I used to have a blog on Wordpress and there is an option to make certain entries private while the rest of your entries are open to the public. Unfortunately, blogger lacks this option (at least to my knowledge). Maybe you can still write everything out, but just not publish them. Instead, just save it as a draft so that you can still keep logs, but away from the public eye? I dunno.

I agree with the other girls that you can't simply be erased from the guy's mind like that. Our experiences stick with us for the rest of our lives, usually lessons learned. I think giving you back all the pictures was his way of trying to let you go, not forget you. When my bf and I broke up for a year, he threw everything that reminded him of me into a box and shoved it under his bed. I don't think he's ever opened it...even now. I don't throw anything away, either, even if it hurts to look at.

I was inspired, too. =)