I am....

I stumbled onto Foodie Cutie's blog and read her entry about the loss of her great aunt. I wrote to her my condolences, and as I began writing my comment, I started to cry a little. Her entry and tribute to her great aunt made something in me react. Not to take away from her or anything, but it reminded me of something that I had buried and hidden deep inside me.



I carry the guilt with me always, as a constant reminder maybe to punish myself for my own actions, or maybe to remind myself of him. During my undergrad I did a lot of stupid things. I was in this shitty abusive relationship. I let some asshole control me, and I forgot how to think let alone feel anything anymore. My grandfather a heavy smoker, he laughed, he drank a bit, he could eat a whole chicken if he wanted, and he did. He started to get sick. I was in college wasting and killing brain cells. My asshole bf at the time had total control over me. The week before he died, i was suppose to go see him. My asshole bf drove me back but gave me so much shit for not wanting to spend time with him. And so like many times before I caved. And I regret it. i still regret it. I didn't see him in the hospital. I went back to school and went on with my life. I was afraid to answer the phone because I knew it could be the worst, and when I let my guard down and breathed for a second, that's when it came. My mom calls me to tell me that he passed away. I knew part of me died that night. Whatever was left of me. The only person that accepted me the way I was, however screwed up and damaged I was, even though I dyed my hair 50 million colors, I looked like my parents starved me and my hair color was turning lighter and lighter, even though I had no fucking clue what I wanted to do with my life, or that i was a goof off just trying to get by he accepted me. He didn't judge me, he didn't nag me, he accepted me. God I miss that. I miss someone accepting you, understanding you and just loving you for who and what you are. And I miss him. I remember when I was little, he would take me to the park or mcdonalds to eat those crappy mcnuggets, or how he would just let my imagination run free and he would let me be or pretend to be anything. Such freedom as a child I miss it.

I miss him, I missed my chance to tell him goodbye, to see how he was. He was alone there, none of his grandchildren went to see him. I feel so bad knowing that he was alone there, wondering where we all were. That he was lying there with tubes and machines wondering why we didn't go see him. Wondering if he had wronged us, wondering if he did something wrong. It kills me to think of this, to think that he wondered where we were. Why we didn't go see him. i was suppose to go, I was. but I let some asshole dictate my life to me. And i regret it. I know he suffered, I know he was in pain, I know the tubes and machines didn't help him, i know he wanted to just go home. I know all this and I live with it every single fucking day of my life. I live with the guilt of knowing , of not doing anything. I am a bad person.

I wait for the day till we meet again, i wait for that day so I can tell him I'm sorry....I'm sorry grandpa....I'm sorry....if i could go back i would have gone to see you, i would have...i'm sorry...i'm sorry you were alone....I'm sorry....


5 stalkers:

JPENG said...

Now you're making me cry..Our stories are really similar. I am so sorry that this happened to you. I ran away from home and that's when they put my aunt in a nursing home. I only visited twice b/c I was on such bad terms with my family. Your Grandfather sounds like he was an amazing person. You will always have the good memories you had with him. And he probably had even more good memories with you in his mind when he was sick. I just want to give you a hug right now. I have good news though, I get to attend my aunts funeral and am leaving tomorrow. Your words helped me a lot and I'm glad you got all of this out from deep inside of you. *hugs*

ChyiX2 said...

Reading this brought tears to my eyes. This reminded me of when my grandmother passed away. I didn't get a chance to say goodbye because I didn't visit her since I had to work. I hated myself for it, of course I went to the preparations and the funeral but it wasn't the same. You shouldn't dweel on this. Just remind yourself that you should be happy for all the good memories with him. I'm sure he is...

Violet Honeybee said...

*huggs.. I'm sorry hon I don't know what say that'll help.. =( Don't live in guilt, I'm sure your grandfather wouldn't of wanted that

MakeupByRenRen said...

wow that was a powerful post...uhhhh i hate that ex boyfriend of yours already...don't place the blame on you...your grandpa knows you loved him and he's in a better place...continue to keep positive images of him in your heart and not to sound crazy...but i know he's looking down on u

missjaclynrose said...

*tears*. I am with you on this. My grandpa passed away last October and I felt bad for not visiting him often after I moved away. I kept promising myself I'd go and see him, but I didn't. Fortunately for me, I was able to visit him one last time while he was in the hospital before he passed on. It killed me when I saw him in the hospital because he was so skinny and looked so fragile. He was not the same Grandpa I remembered as a kid.

I remember at his viewing when we were all crying for our loss, I managed to smile and laugh a little because for some reason, I'm not sure if it was the lighting or the angle in which I was looking at him, he smiled at me and I knew at that moment that he was in a better place and he can now watch over all of us.

From what you wrote, it sounds like your grandfather loved you very much and even though you didn't get to see him that one last time, he knows deep in his heart how much you loved him too. Just by you writing this out, he's probably smiling down at you and proud of who you are and who you've become.