Lately I've been in a funk, not finding a job and not being able to pull my life together is pretty goddamn frustrating. A lot of things in my life are frustrating right now. Sometimes you need an escape, and sometimes you can't escape, for whatever reason it just sucks. And then I'm often reminded of how much things could suck more. I think about what else could have been or gone wrong in my life, and that I shouldn't be so damn frustrated and unhappy at the moment. But life sucks and what can you do?



I think back to a time when my life was very different, when I was a very different person. I think back to when I was in college and I was in this terrible point in my life. I think I was on the verge of a mental breakdown. My sanity was questioned and my integrity was almost gone. It was sophomore year in college, I had finished my freshman year and I had made it, i made few mistakes, realized some classes you couldn't bs through and having fun and friends was a great thing. I was also in this horrible relationship with this person that treated me like crap. He was a fat, selfish, arrogant, pig of a person. A coward and a manipulative bastard. And I wasted more time on him than I should have. At first he wanted to know where I was all the time, it seemed he thought I would cheat on him for whatever reason. Though I never gave him a reason to being that we spent most of our time together minus class. Then he demanded that i go back to the dorm after my class, any deviation he would question me. If i wanted to go out with my friends or classmates there would be a fight, which mostly ended up in me not going and sitting next to him while he used his computer in my dorm room sucking up my ethernet. He was manipulative, and abusive mentally. Soon everything I did had to revolve around him. I couldn't go to the mall without him. I couldn't eat without him. Hell i couldn't even go to a party anymore. Slowly I saw myself falling down this endless spiral of destructive behavior, but I didn't stop it. I was stressed, my friends were wondering what was wrong with me. I never went out. I started breaking out. I talked to my suitemates about it, and they felt that i should break free or be able to do other things.

I will admit that I had started taking theater classes, acting 101 to be exact it was an awesome class, I got to be a kid again. but we had to do scene work and that was just horrid, being that he didn't trust me demanding to know where i was. what kind of scene and who would i be doing this scene with. I realized how insecure and controlling he could be. One time after class I went to eat lunch with my classmates after a fun class. We laughed and talked and went on our way. When I got back to my dorm room he was there fuming mad, on how dare I eat without him. How he was hungry and wanted to eat. He was always hungry, being that he had to maintain his fat exterior somehow. He blamed the fact that he wasn't smoking anymore on his immense weight gain. He also started to smoke again and continued to eat like a fat pig. Course whenever i got hungry i always had to wait being that he was busy downloading something or doing something on the computer that was uber important. His computer sucking up my ethernet in my dorm room. Why? Because rather than live in his dorm, he lived in mine and it was disguising. He had the worst case of halitosis known to man kind. one of my old suitemates sat in my bed once and slept there being that he had started dragging me to his dorm room now, and said you have cookie crumbs in ur bed babes...i'm like er yeah... crumbs...not really just giant pieces of nasty dandruff. quite nasty. but i put up with it. i don't know why. actually i do. i guess i didn't think i could do any better. I was totally isolated and alone, being controlled by this person who told me what i was worth. I desperately wanted to be loved, and this was all I could get. that desperation led me to accept the conditions i was in. He made me go and stay with him in his dorm, bc he didn't trust me to stay in mine anymore. he wanted me with him at all times it seemed. He made me sit in with him in his class. It was horrible. I felt the space around me closing in. I couldn't breathe anymore. I knew things were bad but i couldn't change it, how could I? Who was I at that point?

I remember doing a love scene for my theatre class in my damn underwear on stage. My roommate at the time came to see me, and was greatly amused. At that point i realized I no longer wanted to do this acting thing cause it just wasn't working for me, mostly bc i didn't want to do love scenes with ppl in my underware infront of ppl to stare at me in my underware. I had to hide it from the pyscho fat pig. But it didn't matter, it seemed he was getting mad at me for numerous reasons. We argued a lot, my roommate and suitemates all knew we argued like crazy. Things seemed to get worse, and worse and they did. Most girls always say if some guy has the nerve to hit them, they'd leave, course when it happens you're in shock, you're in shock for the first second after it happens that they would dare do such a thing to you. Then you're in shock for another second as you hear your heart beating as if it were going to flying out of your chest and explode. When it happened, by the third second i hit him back as hard as I could. I was angry at the fact that he thought he could ever do that to me. ever. he said he was sorry and it wouldn't happen again, and i should have known better. because it did. He would yell at me and argue and say whatever he did when he was mad was justified cause I had pissed him off. Famous words of his. He threw out my Bush The Science of Things CD off the balcony window cause of something that had happened and he was mad at me for. I promptly forced him to take me to the mall to buy a replacement. course they were out of stock. (note to self buy Science of things CD) he had threatened to throw out my stuff or destroy it. As a threat that just got me mad. And by the second time it happened, that was it. I had enough. I wanted out. but that break up turned into a negotiation. it was horrible and i let him back into my life being destructive. I have bad judgement it seems in letting destructive ppl in my life and not knowing what is good and bad. Sometimes I want to see the good in people, even though its not there anymore. I used to be happy girl that ran around campus with faery wings on or dressed up as a giant bunny with ears, and then i turned into a monotone bland person. I seemed to fade into the background and no one would notice me anymore. I felt a part of me had died already. I didn't know what to do, how to end it. I knew i was in a bad place, and I knew I had to get out, but he had a hold on me that wouldn't let go. whenever i tried to break up, he would negotiate things with me. It was horrible. I wasn't strong enough.

And then the worst happened. Just when you think you're life is already shit, that it cannot get any worse, it does. My mom calls me that week to tell me that my grandpa has died. I might as well have died with him. Whatever part of me that was left, was a shell and it broke when she told me. So matter of fact over the phone. No emotion. Nothing. I suppose to she had finished her crying, and I had to begin mine. It was the worst moment of my life. Not like those stupid teenage girls who walk out with their skirt tucked in their pantyhose or toilet paper on their shoe. This was the worst moment in my life. I had fallen down an abyss, I had hit the bottom, there was no farther for me to go. It's pretty fucking bad when you know you're life is shitty and you've hit the bottom. I had to pick myself up and get up, I had to dig and claw my out of this. I had to make it out alive somehow. I had to. One really big regret that I always carry with me, forever it seems, is that i was suppose to visit him in the hospital the week before. I was suppose to go, but why didn't i? he didn't want me to go. so i didn't. i gave him that power over me. and i regret not going to see my grandpa. I carry it with me always. I'm sorry grandpa. I'm so sorry I didn't go. I know i was a bad person then, I know I should have gone to see you. Just once....the one person that accepted me the way i was, the one person that said you're ok, the one person that i knew would never judge me for the stupid shit i had done was gone. You're childhood is over the second you know you're gonna die. Mine had been smashed into tiny pieces.

So i cried. I cried a lot. I hate going to funerals, its the worst feeling in the world, feeling numb and wondering if you're suppose to feel anything. I sat there, going through the motions, i was sure what i was doing. And yes the controlling pig wanted to push his way in, but this is where i started to get my voice back. He forced his way back to the city with me, for what I don't know. But he would NOT disrespect me or my family at this point. I cried for days after. The semester was over before I knew it, and I was back in the city again. I had to get myself together. I took my grandpa's death as a sign. A sign that you need to do something, you need to get your ass out of there, you're too damn good for this pig, and he's never going to treat you right ever.

We argued over something stupid, my suitemates and i wanted to go clubbing. (one of the few times I've gone) and he had a huge fit over it. I was not having it anymore. I said finally, forget this, I don't need this. I don't know what came over me, but it must have been adrenaline or something. I told him it was over, i'm done, we're through, i want his stuff out of my room we are done over with. His response? ok fine you're upset, why don't you just go out with your friends tonight and have fun. My response? This is NOT a negotiation, this is a break up, all the terms are final. do not call back, do not harass me. i will see you when the semester starts! vindicated and free! My suitemates surprisingly were uber supportive. I needed that.

When I went back to start the new semester, i started to care again, i wanted to look good about myself, but his fat pig of a self was still hanging around. He wouldn't get his stuff out. It was a pain. He came back to my dorm thinking everything would be ok, it wasn't. he had the nerve to say oh well my suitemate took her bf back. yeah well he wasn't a ragging pyscho! He was dragging his feet on moving his stuff cause he thought i would let him back. Nope. Not this time, not ever again! I had taken his things and threw them into a large black garbage bag. He kept insisting that things would be better. They never would be. I didn't know if i could do it. But I had to, god i had to. In the background was a song that I'll always remember. Foo Fighters...self titled..."I'll stick around" chorus...dave grohl screaming...I don't owe you anything! I don't owe you anything! I heard them for the first time it seemed, and I looked at that fat pig and told him to get his stuff out now. He sat on my bed which he had forced a permanent ass grove in btw, I dragged the garbage bag of his stuff and dragged it out the suite, down the stairs, where he quickly followed carrying his computer, his precious PC, and i left it on the curb outside. He quickly rushed to save it as he didn't want anyone to steal the precious contents inside. whatever that was. I went back to my suite, locked the door and told all my suitemates never to let him in this suite ever again. I felt liberated. I felt alive again. I felt that I should have done it earlier but didn't. My skin cleared up, i went to kickboxing, and i drank and partied a little too much. That was my defining moment. The moment when I said no, when I told him to get out and it was over forever. He was a disgusting person. Manipulative, insecure, controlling, psychotic, and a pig. He even had the nerve to ask can we have sex one last time. Please do not remind me of the horrible bad mistakes i had done before. He would still call and ask what i was doing. As if it was any of his business anymore. i was free for the first time, and my life was ahead of me.

One of my guy friends said i was much happier it seemed. all my friends in school told me i was happier and i smiled more, and that the pig was just bad for me. They all ripped on him, it just all came out, i didn't know where it came from but apparently they didn't' like him either. The same guy friend said that I wouldn't stay single for long. I told him I wanted to keep my freedom and I don't need a man to make me happy. But sadly he was right. apparently when a girl's back on the market it's like capture the flag. all the guys have to run up the hill and try to capture the flag before the others get there. nice analogy don't you think?

There is no point to this post. Its not really a happy ending, most people in life have a defining moment, one that stands out in their minds as when they had to make a choice, make a stand and just broke free. and everyone has the worst moment of their life as well. one that breaks them into pieces. Mine came at around the same time. i wait for signs in life, sometimes they come, sometimes they don't, and sometimes they take a while to show, and i end up waiting for it. sometimes i wish they could come so i could know what to do...but in the end its still my life, and i wont' let anyone ever control me or it again. There are a lot of assholes out there in the world, and hopefully one guy that will treat you right. I see that fat pig ever so often now, he looks at me and i look away because i know i'm better than him, that i'm stronger than him, and that his life is probably shitty because of the kind of person he is. And he should probably cross the damn street and go to the other side. He's still a fat pig if you're wondering. And I, am still skinny, have my MFA, and have my sanity intact....let no man control you life, let no man control you.

I guess looking back, I realize that things were really bad back then, and I'll never let things get that bad ever...because once you've hit the bottom you can only climb back up. But sometimes I wonder what the hell would have happened if i hadn't had my moment of clarity....scares the shit out of me. I'd be one of those dumb girls...he hits me because he loves me.....
WTF right?!

Tread slowly for I know there's a thousand miles to go...

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