So somtimes I wonder what is up with me cause I realize that tapping is bad, cause hell it kinda is, especially when the person taps back and stuff but i can't really help it that much, or can I? Perhaps I can but I don't, oh argh I'm not making any sense...all I know is that I know what I'm doing and feeling isn't right, I know that I shouldnt' be feeling like this, but I am cause i can't control what I feel...so what do I do? I'm suppose to be logical and stuff but honeslty deep down i don't want to...deep down i don't know what i'm doing, or maybe i do, maybe i just want to break the glass that seperates us and do it, but i can't, because in reality i can't, there are other people involved, other emotions, responsibilities, obligations and stuff...sigh....
I know that I shouldn't be like this but I am...I really am...he's just a friend and that's all he can ever be, nothing more because in this world, in this present time that is all we can ever be...damnation i hate this...why am i feeling like this? I can't stop what I feel...i can't stop the way things are going and most of all i can't control what i feel inside...when he's around i swear i start to notice things, i start to feel strange...i get jealous, i get angry, i get something and stop acting like me or maybe i do and become too friendly, but i don't know...do i ever make any sense? no i never do...
so my friend says ok somehting obviously isn't right bc i'm feeling this for a reason. i should figure out what it is, but i don't know. ok maybe i do and i'm not admitting it to anyone....and i know what i'm doing is really retarted cause i have everything that i wanted almost everything, but now i always want more or something else, nothing really makes me happy for too long...no guy can hold my attention for that long...argh....
so party tonite at amy's house, i'm asking for trouble again...i'm getting really screwed up to say the least...hee hee what else? well at least mr blonde hair blue eyes wont' be there for me to deal with or be a human shield for....oh argh...do i ever make any sense? no...got i'm being a nucking fut....

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